Sexual Shame: How It Shows Up and How We Overcome It
Introduction
Sexual shame is one of the most common struggles I see in therapy, and yet it is rarely talked about. It shapes how we see ourselves, how we judge others, and how safe or alive we feel in our own bodies.
I know this firsthand. As an Afghan American woman and the daughter of refugees, I grew up in a culture where speaking about sex, let alone becoming a sex therapist, was taboo. I have often felt misunderstood in my connection to body, instinct, and feminine energy. Those experiences fuel my passion for helping others unlearn shame and reclaim sensuality as a source of power. As historian Laurel Thatcher Ulrich said, “Well-behaved women seldom make history.”
Sexual Shame Across Cultures
Sexual shame is not unique to Afghan or MENA/SWANA communities. It is a cross-cultural reality. Even in Western contexts, sexuality is often either hyper-performative or silenced. The result is misinformation, disconnection, and difficulty building authentic intimacy.
Whether in Kabul or Cartagena, Lisbon or Los Angeles, shame travels across borders, taking different shapes but carrying the same weight.
How Sexual Shame Shows Up
Sexual shame can look different for everyone, but here are some common ways it shows up outwardly:
Gossiping about or controlling others’ sexuality
Policing daughters or sisters around dating
Slut shaming and holding double standards for women
Homophobia and pathologizing queerness
Shutting down men’s vulnerability and emotions
Labeling men’s sexual exploration (like prostate pleasure) as “gay”
Rigid categories of “good” vs. “bad” depending on sexual behavior
And inwardly, it often shows up as:
Anxiety, guilt, or self-criticism about sexual thoughts, behaviors, or desires
Difficulty accessing or enjoying pleasure fully because of internal judgment
Persistent self-criticism around “being too much” or “not enough” sexually
Avoiding intimacy or struggling to trust partners out of fear of rejection
Feeling “dirty,” “bad,” or “broken” when experiencing desire or arousal
All of these are ways sexual shame keeps us disconnected from ourselves and each other. These are not signs that someone is broken. They are learned responses, patterns we inherit from families, cultures, and societies that carry their own unresolved shame.
These patterns look different across cultures, but the impact is the same: they disconnect us from our bodies, our partners, and often, from our own desires.
Where Does It Come From?
Sexual shame is not just personal, it is cultural, historical, and political. Across communities, generations of rules, lectures, gossip, and silences taught us that sex is dirty or dangerous.
In many Global South cultures, this shame comes partly from indigenous traditions and partly from colonial powers, who imposed rigid Victorian morals around purity and control. Sexuality was used as a tool of domination. Women’s bodies became symbols of honor, and desire was recast as deviance. Over generations, these legacies became normalized.
Shame and trauma also reinforce each other. A history of sexual trauma can deepen shame, while cultural shame can make trauma symptoms harder to heal.
Healing Sexual Shame
Healing begins with awareness. Naming these patterns is not about blame, it is about giving ourselves the power to question and choose differently.
In therapy, this work often begins in the body, where our cultural and familial narratives live. Shame is not just a thought, it is a knot in the stomach, a flushed face, or a tightening in the chest. When we notice these sensations with curiosity, we can begin to separate our own voice from the inherited voices of parents, elders, or systems that projected shame onto us.
Overcoming sexual shame means learning to tell the difference between our authentic voice and the voices we have inherited. Healing does not erase desire. It weaves it back into wholeness, authenticity, and freedom.
Closing Reflection
If you recognize yourself in these patterns, know that you are not broken. Sexual shame is learned, and what is learned can be unlearned. With support, compassion, and body-based awareness, it is possible to create new, self-affirming narratives about sex, love, and intimacy.
Every time you choose authenticity over fear, you loosen shame’s grip and reclaim your power. Shame teaches us to hide. When we bring what has been silenced into the light, we no longer carry it alone.